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| I was just reading all the previous entries in this, and though they span a couple years, they all express the same feelings I have right now.
although i am now at college and my life has progressed I have not changed, my life has not gone any farther. On the inside I am at the same point. this makes me even more depressed. Yet at the same time I am comforted a little that I am always fundamentally the same person.
I also noticed that whenever I write in this I am in a really depressed and/or frustrated mood.
right now I am really down because I feel like I have no direction with my life, no goals, nothing to work toward. I mean I do have things to work toward, like a degree, a life in the future with a job and all that shit, but I have nothing that i want to do, nothing to look forward to. I don't care about any of that shit. all I really want at this point is love. and I just don't have that, or enough of it. I just feel really fuckin lonely. and there are a lot of people here in some stupid relationship. it just angers me.
I also wish I had some picture of what I want my life to be. For a few years I have been dreaming about having like a farm and shit where I would like grow all my own food and shit like with my family and maybe there would be a couple other people with homes too, and we would live kinda separate of civilization, like a collective.
I just want someone to talk to that I can pour my heart out to, and that will love me for who I am and support me.
I have people to talk to and some people I tell a lot, but the deep part of my soul needs to connect to another. I guess thats what love is.
I should spend all this time that i spend going nuts over my loneliness like reading about good things and learning and stuff, but i just can't focus for one and I need super curiosity to be able to want to do something and I just don't care enough i guess. my feelings consume me more than anything else can i just need like social attention or watever i need to get that out of my system and then i can do other things
i just want other people to need me. i feel like no one does, except my parents, they really love me. being up here in college i have really realised how much i love them too, and i think i miss being with them. I prefer living on my own, but I really miss being with people who really love me and need me everyday. its just nice to have a reminder.
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| happy birthday jimmy page! since no one reads this thats all i want to say to myself today. yay devendra banhart music in the backround< i love you . | | |
| i really really love gay people, and i was totally gonna write a whole post bout how they inspire me and all this shit but im all tired and i dont want to. peace out bitches i love you (me trying to talk like a gay dude) Danielle Perrine | | |
| danielle's thoughts for the day:
- what you at first think are simple things always turn out to be the biggest ordeals.
-never do your homework to the last minute cuz you just end up staying up really late nd writing down all your weird thoughts in a journal.
- you are not supposed to be nice to everyone all the time. sometimes people need to be told off, as a learning experience.
- don't worry about hummiliation the more you dwell on it the more it cripples you. set your fears aside
- mind your elders
-time travel is not something of science fiction but what we do everyday. this is why we have a memory; if we couldn't travel
through time we would be stuck in one instant and never hve any recalection of any other and nothing would happen. mybe thats what
it was like before the big bang, if that even happened. that particular theory sounds reiculous to me, but i don't like to think of it anyways
because if i think about it for too long i just try to image an unlimited amount of space and just a never ending universe and i can't do it and
that makes me frusterated and it also makes me sad that im am so small and i will never figureany of it out.
what if we didn't have memories though? think bout it we would just start fresh in every moment. and what if our
memories are wrong? I mean they happened in the past and so you can't know for sure because you can't go back
and just think about being a kid and how you can't remember a lot of what happened and then you try to think bsck to when you were a kid and what
you remembered then but you can't remember it and so like a whole part of you is lost.
also like the memory thing: have you ever thought about your body? and how it works and how it is working right now, but you have no idea what it is doing
but its your body and supposedly your brain is sending signals to it but you have no knowledge you only have sensations. and also our eyes, it is like we are trapped inside
this box and then we have some peep wholes to the outside world, but what if our eyes dont see correctly like supposedly dogs can't see in color or flies and how they see really weird
suppose there is this whole other thing like color that we can't see or even imagine because we can't see it.What if theres allbunch of stuff out in the universe but we can't see it because there in no light reflecting on it andwe need that to see, like when you walk into a dark closet and then you turn on the light and its like a different place.
what if all of our senses were wrong, everything we ever thought we knew would be a lie. so all we really have is our thoughts
and pretty but all of our time is spent communicating our thoughts to other people or to ourselves, i mean everything that
we do is related to expressing, communicating, producing,demonstrating, or hiding our thoughts. the only other things we do are
involved with our sensory abilties or just our sensory functions. image if we were telepathic, we would have nothing
to do because all our thoughts would be know be everyone so all there would be left to do was do more thinking that
everyone else would be doing atthe same time because we would have the saame thoughts.which would be
danielle's thoughts.
so now we have fully cocluded on the same note.thankyou for reading
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| hey, so its a new school year and i have been hella busy with a bunch of stuff. but i have also been thinking a lot. like what have i acctually been busy with? what does this all amount to in the end? what is the whole purpose of my life? is the world going to burn up? you know just little thoughts like that. for example, as president of the ffa I had to put on this banquet along with the other officers but it was pretty much me putting it on and i have to tell them what to do if they are to do anything and i freaked out and was overloaded for like the first 2 weeks of school and even over the summer and in the end it all amounts to like 2hrs and its like was all that work i put in worth anything at all? was there any product or anything gained from this? and i've been thinking the same things about life in general. you do all this stuff in your life and it all just comes down to like this little obituary or funeral and what are all the things that we do in life amounting to? so yeah, not that im deppressed or anything, i am just pondering the meaning of life a lot, i kinda feel like im at a less than quarter life crisis. maybe its all this thinking about like college and what i will do with my life after high school and maybe its just that the sun looks so big and so close that it is just scaring me, and all the fear that is generated by the media and whatever is getting to me. well off to my homework danielle perrine. oh and this bottom part where i can pick a music that i am listening to reminds me of something else, i dont even have like any music that i am passionate about anymore and it seems like there are no good movements or anything like there used to be the punk kids and they were all hardcore and stuff and they have died out and now its just emo kids which dont even have hardcore music they just dress retarded. i just want something to believe in. somthing to be hopeful about, to look forward to, to say ok this is what my life goal is and once i do blank i can die in peace. i want my purpose. | | |
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